As summertime approaches I am realizing just how fast life passes by. Nine months ago life was much different than it is now. And I am hoping another nine months will prove to be even more different. For some people life is full of fake happiness, false dreams, wasted goals and lies – I pity them. I know of a few people like that, you would think they have no other hopes or aspirations but spending every waking moment consumed with one thing. It’s sad that they forget how quickly people age, grow and forget.
This weekend I was asked about my divorce more times than I have been in the last few months combined. It could have been the company I was around or the fact many of the people were finding out for the first time. The one thing I collected out of the situation was a bitter sweet quote during a toast, readjusted to fit my situation: "A happily divorced man should forget his own mistakes; no sense in two people remembering the same crap."
Isn’t that the truth! I am still not sure I completely realize how I feel about things, and have pretty much been beating myself up for other people’s mistakes. Plus every time other people saw through the bullshit I took the beating for it. The last time I checked I was human – but not a piece of shit. I am a great single father; I have always been a good (although unappreciated) provider and someone who loved being married and trying to be a good husband. So I guess questioning things is just part of the healing process.
A very good friend of mine told me the other day that I have yet to go through all the emotions. She is worried I have not hit the bitterness or hatred part that normally comes at the beginning. She might be right. I hope not, but who knows. I actually think I am a much tougher person than that, and I actually do have some hatred in my heart – just not directed towards my ex.
Personally I have reached a plateau of sorts in regards to my feelings. I realized that I have some fantastic friends these days. People who are not one-dimensional, one-tracked or single-minded and who see me for who I am and not what they can gain by knowing me. It’s a great feeling to know people see things that I never realized. I am also at the point that I have no fears. I have discovered that I am actually in more control of myself and of my life than I have been in years. My son is healthy, he is happy and he is with me. And many of the mistakes I was making in life were the direct result of someone else’s selfish stupidity.
The past few weeks I have also proved to myself that you do not have to be so involved in one thing to stay in tough with it. I have really cut the whole racing scene down from where I was. My son does not enjoy it as much as you would think a little kid would – but then he is offered the choice to enjoy other things these days. I believe that children who are raised or forced around one thing become a victim of their surroundings. They quickly adapt and learn that it’s what they must do and simply make the best of it. And it’s funny how many adults are not much better. They can commit to one thing in life and never look past that to realize there is an entire world of happiness just waiting to be taken.
I’m tired of worrying about people’s feelings that do not care about mine. No, I take that back. It’s not that I am tired of it – I am done with it. I have piddled away my good nature for years and now I am withholding it to those who no longer deserve it. Not just withholding it, but probably going to offer the same nasty nature that they have given to me in the last few years. I have realized that I have nothing really to lose. I have all I want, and the most ironic thing is that what I have does not cost a dime to keep! In fact, my heart has never been so free from guilt, pressure, sadness or frustration as it is right now. I have what others may never get to know – the endearing love of my son.
For a long time I worried that I couldn’t speak of my own happiness or sadness. But I have come to realize that if I don’t, no one else will. And it’s always someone’s choice to listen or ignore.
Well – I guess I was just tired of being ignored.
