Christmas 2006. My Christmas completly alone - ever. Divorce is a whole new world, but my son adds the emlement of complication. My entire family is in Michigan and here I sit in Cincinnti.
Six months ago when the ex and I were working our seperation out it was decided I would have our son on Xmas eve and I would have him back to the ex by 9 am Xmas day. It's a five our drive from my families at best. But I am good to my word (and the only one in the ex/relationship) so I had him to her moms home by 9am. The ex - not there. The family - not there. The inlaws - sleeping. I left my family who had probably been up for hours and rushed to get my son to his mother for what? Dissappointment. How fucking sad.
So here I sit alone. What to do, hey I know! How about I call and beg off another family for companionship. Na, no one else need know about my heartache and loneliness. Watch movies? Geeee another one?
You know the funny thing about time and lonliness? You get to think. I realized that I am still not doing things for myself. In fact I did not even leave my ex for myself - I left so she could be happy. I left her so that SHE could find happiness somehwere else. I know it now. I still love her, and I still care for her. She is just such an emotional wreck, cheater of the heart, liar to her friends, unhappy bitch and treated me so bad that I finally gave up trying to make her love me. And yet I can let go and move on.
Why do I miss her? Why does she despise me? Why has she become so selfish? Why do I care? Why do I beat myself up? She is the one who fell out of love with me and in love with a married man - so why am I so confused? Why does life have to be so fucking complicated? What have I done to be a two time loser? Am I paying penice for all the bad deads in my twenties? Will my son be cursed with my bad luck? WIll I always live alone even when I am with someone?
Is there anyone to help me? Is there anyone to hug me and tell me life is going to be alright?
I remember my first wife and I used to drive around for hours just talking and growing together. Her leaving nearly killed me, and I nearly killed myself. But ten years later she is my friend, my confidant. And yet I still miss her.
My current ex confuses me. From the moment I left she was content to treat me worse than she ever has. I will never understand that. Lately she has been somewhat kind. However I suspect she wants something. I hope not, and I am risking my sanity for it.
As for the man who I have chosen to place more blame on than myself - he still has his coming. If God himself hands it out, he will get his someday. For now I am content to hate him. And that is probably the most insane part of all of this.
