There is a certain peace that comes from spending time alone. I am learning a lot about myself, even at 36. It's amazing how much I love being a father. I hate putting the boy to bed at 8:30, it's so fucking early I feel like we are losing time together. Probably a silly thought, but I guess it's guilt for making his first five years so stressful. He's an amazing little boy and I love him more than life.

Just when I thought the tough times were over I realized that I waited way to long to leave my wife. As I put my son to bed he brought up small talk about silly things that happened in the past. Then out of the blue he said "Do you remember when my mommy made you mad and you yelled at me? It hurt my feelings." He's five, I thought maybe he just had a passing thought. I said 'I'm sorry son, it won't happen anymore.' He said "I know daddy, mommy isn't here to make you mad anymore." I felt like fucking shit. What a piece of shit I am for waiting so long to leave her. He went on to speak of the exact night and even recalled details of what was on TV and how I got mad and shoved my computer over. It was the night I realized my wife was a cheater and piece of shit herself. The same night I discovered my so called best freind was helping to fuck up my already troubled marriage. I remember the night, he remembers the night.

So he actually suffers right now? Me and my aging lonliness? Or a little five year old boy with a mother who has the ability to turn her back and walk away?

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here to see the show

Say your lines, but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
You'd break my heart

Say good-bye

Good-bye

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Son always remember this: love is not a one way street. But once you go down it there is no place to turn around and sometimes you just have to keep traveling until you reach the end when there is no place to stop and enjoy the views.

Have I mentioned how bad divorce sucks?

Have I mentioned how much I despise and loath that cocksucker that helped ruin my already troubled marriage?

Have I mentioned that I would love to ruin his marrige and family if only for a little vindication?

Have I mentioned how much I love my son?

Have I mentioned I have three weeks till it's final?

Have I mentioned that if I can make it and have custody of my son all these headaches will be worth it?

Have I mentioned I have friends who have helped me survie so far. Their names start the 'J', 'C', 'A', 'H' and 'S'. Without these people surviving to this point would not be possible.

Son if you ever read this do not think this is a typical marriage. But do consider it a typical divorce. Decide what you want before you make avoidable mistakes. One small action can be life changing and waste six months of your life on top of the nine you already had invested.

Well it's been a long time since my last post. Life is - what life is. I'm like a wave that appears smooth from a distance but comes crashing to a hault over and over in the relentless pursuit of starting over. So pretty much life sucks at times.

My final court date is set and the wheels are in motion. It won't be long now.

My son asks me daily when I will find a new mommy. It breaks my heart. And in light of how little my ex bothers to try and see her son I am not suprised, but still heart broke. It sucks.

I keep telling myself I left for a reason, and that reason is proven to me daily. It still doesn't stop the stings in my heart or the lonliness of my soul.

I married a beautiful woman and am divoricing a selfish bitch. How does that happen?