Self control - what a novel idea. So why is it so fucking tough to not strangle those who drive us nuts. Not scream at those screaming at us. And not dismissing those who wish we would just go away? Self control is not a battle of the mind, it's a battle of the heart. I have come to realzie that you can fool your mind very easy, it's your heart that is blind. The simple reality is that if you use self control you must find a new venue to send your frustration to. Some people have orginized religion, others violence (how strange) and the smart ones into planning revenge. What it boils down to is that ALL people are fucking crazy in one way or another.

Someone reminded me that this song is sooooooo fitting for my life (for some reason):

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

I could be fake
I could be stupid
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you

I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

On my own, cause I can’t take liven with you
I’m alone, so I won’t turn out like you
Want me to

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

Someone reminded me that this song is sooooooo fitting for my life (for some reason):

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

I could be fake
I could be stupid
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you

I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

On my own, cause I can’t take liven with you
I’m alone, so I won’t turn out like you
Want me to

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

Cincinnati Bengals vs Green Bay Packers tickets - $120
Parking 2.4 miles from the stadium - $25
Two sodas & a bag of popcorn - $15
Cotton Candy - $5.50
Lot's of hotties, great seats, nice cool breeze, sitting under a roof from the rain, Bengals win, televised game, smiles and time with my son - priceless!

Sun night. It was a CRAZY fucking weekend. Fri was a blast, I went to the art district downtown and had a blast. Then Sat was normal till about three. I met someone out for drinks and it was a train wreck the rest of the evening. I learned there are still clinical insane people these day and I don't think they even realize it!

Today I spent the morning cleaning and getting all things ready for my sons school tomorrow. I am pretty sure this school year will be interesting on many levels.

Tomorrow night the boy and I are going to a Monday Night Football game. That should be pretty fun.

Sun night. It was a CRAZY fucking weekend. Fri was a blast, I went to the art district downtown and had a blast. Then Sat was normal till about three. I met someone out for drinks and it was a train wreck the rest of the evening. I learned there are still clinical insane people these day and I don't think they even realize it!

Today I spent the morning cleaning and getting all things ready for my sons school tomorrow. I am pretty sure this school year will be interesting on many levels.

Tomorrow night the boy and I are going to a Monday Night Football game. That should be pretty fun.

Change my attempt good intentions...

Crouched over
You were not there
Living in fear
But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears
And I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help
Please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw
Hide in cold sweat
Quivering lips
Ignore remorse
Naming a kid, living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red

Crowned hopeless
The article read living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red
but I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I
Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I
Change my attempt good intentions

I'm back again, that cannot be a good sign.

So this morning my soon to be ex has the bitch mood to question a document from the courts that she simply needed to sign. She cannot afford legal help, she will not take 30 seconds of her life to work on anything and yet she can still get me fired up and pissed off. She is a liar, an adulter and cheater - yet so self rightous she can still act like I am evil. It freaks me out.

I had to sell most of my personal stuff to help pay for this divorce, plus I take time to fix her car, loan her money and pay her early. And she still finds it in herself to bash me and question me. She is an amazing heartless bitch.

Forget the fact she was always a shitty wife and horrible friend (not just to me, but her so called best friends too), I am now starting to question what else she is hiding.

Well we went to the zoo this weekend and pretty much just hung out together. It was a lot of fun and we just relaxed. I think my son understands what it going on. He has a little emotional stress, but at almost five he is handling things strong and actually seems happier. I am trying to make life as simple and regimented as possible for us. I think that helps. His mother does not worry about regiment or longevity. If it's not racing or her secret obsession it's not worth working towards. Oh well, once day when she has pissed away the best years of her sons life and looks like any other track tramp she will figure out that there was more to life - be it with me or without. I however have moved on.

First month down, a lifetime to go. Things are going decent, although both she and I are feeling the crunch of money issues. I am divorce poor and she is auto poor. I am not sure which contains more stress. Either way I think it's all a sad part of divorce. The worst part is my carnel need to help her out, and her secret despise for everything about me. I hear, see and know things she has said and says. People are way to nosey and meddling to hear things and not pass them along. Most of the time through being stupid and not watching their mouths or comments. But that's OK. I still believe that true power is knowledge.

So I did a good deed last night. I'm sure it won't go unpunished, but at least I feel good about it.

It's a good day. Not in a typical 'good day' terms. But good none the less!

So people are funny. I have determined that most people are too stupid to realize there are two sides to every story and that they would rather listen out of convenince than intellegence. It's stupid really. But oh well. I figure another year from now and all this will be behind me. If I get residential custody of my son I will probably retire from action shooting and go to strictly studio and ad work. No more travel and I will dedicate my life to raising my son. I should have done it years ago anyway.

It's amazing how changing one word can still make sense in lyrics:

God racing I'll do anything for you.
God racing just tell me what you want me to.
God racing nail me up against the wall.
God racing don't want everything he wants it all.

no you can't take it
no you can't take that away from me

head like a hole.
black as your soul.
i'd rather die than give you control.

bow down before the ones you serve.
you're going to get what you deserve.

God racing's not looking for the cure.
God racing's not concerned with the sick amongst the pure.
God racing let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised.
God racing's not one to choose

you know who you are.