Well it's been a few days since my last post. I guess I get content and forget. Or I get busy and put it off. Anyway, it was a great weekend with my son. We had a lot of fun. We went camping and canoing. He did really well and spent many hours in a boat. I was a proud dad!

I have formally served a seperation agreement to the wife. It's now just a waiting game to see what she has planned. Either way I am making arangments for my son to go to school and life with me. As tough as the win is, I am going for it all. And 'all' is my son living with me. That is all I want from this. So I am working in that direction.

Not so famous quote of the day:

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.


--Unknown, presumed deceased

I have learned the hard way that life has a funny way of seeking it's own revenge. I wonder if it happens to others?

You're keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Because you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on

Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?

So it's Sunday again. I went to a pig roast last night. It was pretty fun. I slept in my car in an attempt to show myself I could be responsible. It sucked. Oh well.

Today I am just chilling out by myself. I can't afford to spend any money and don't want to waste fuel. It sucks too. Oh well.

Well I have my legal counsel all paid for. I am hoping the $2500 retainer covers everything. I would really hate to try and scrape together more money at this point. I'm sure if it is going to go bad, then it will. But at least I can hope it doesn't. I feel like I am aksing for a nearly perfect solution for both of us, but greed and false anger will keep her from using her brain. Oh well. All I can do is try. The statistcs are against me and even a win could be a lose if she and I still fight all the time.

So I have a sneaking gut feeling that my soon to be ex has a few tricks up her sleev. I think she is telling a lot of people that I am producing threats or she is terrified of me. She may be, but I am not threating. In fact I am bending over backwards to make sure she has all she needs. Oh well. I figure her brother or brother in law will jump me at some point. Real nasty white trash type crap. Not a huge deal I have survived some serious ass kickings before. And the penalty will wash out in the end because I will never let it go. I guess it's all just giving me a headache. I am an outsider looking into a fishbowl of people. It's natural instinct to cluster into a group when challanged. The difference, I am not afraid to let all the water out and suffer the loss. Divorce sucks.

Life has some funny curves to it. There are questions that arise from time to time and no single person has the correct answer.

When is 'enough - enough'? Who determines what the definition of 'enough' is?
How much is 'too much'? Is it easier to take it all and give some back later?
How hard do you fight for something or someone? Enough to hurt someone else to win?
Is there such a thing as 'dirty fighting'? Isn't that the whole premise of a fight?
Is an act of terroism for the right reason justified? If so, who decides?
Is 'revenge best served cold'? Or like a firecracker - burning hot and in a startling instant that leaves a blind spot in your eyes and a ringing in yours ears?

What a morning so far!!!! I often wonder if it would easier for the court to just tell us what we are going to do. Except I know I would get screwed. The dads always do. Even when they are a better fit for the kid.

Well it's getting close to 'divorce crunch time' and the wife is not liking the stand I am taking. Oh well. I am working from my heart to protect and help my son. She is still just thinking short term and selfish.

Information is power

Well I just got a very long, very informative email from one of my wifes freinds or at least an ex friend. It appears she is pissed about the situation at hand too.

The email sucked to read. It made my stomach turn and made me want to puke. Very sick shit. Pisses me off really. If we were not divorcing before, we would now. Sometimes life sucks. Fuck!

My wife, soon to be ex, thinks I am an idiot. She is so proud of herself thinking she has me fooled. She fakes being nice about as much as I fake being female. My mustache gives it away, her personality does her in. It sucks too. I could do all this and really be freinds with her. I think she finds it easier to be a cunt and hate me. Guess that is what it's like when you get your ass left for being a cunt in the first place.

Eight 1/2 years pissed away. Well at least four of them. And I did get a fantastic son out of it. I just pray he ends up nothing like his mother or father.

SO my son has a freind about the same age who feels it's OK to just open the door and let himself in. I have asked many times for him to knock and ask to come in and he simply does not get it. It drives me nuts! I started locking the door all the time. He still tries to open the door first before knocking!!!

"I don't need anyone to "make" me happy.....the beauty of growing older is finally being happy with yourself and realizing that only you are capable of and accountable for your personal happiness."

Well it's Sunday. My son is at my moms and I can't wait to see him. It's weird, the more I see him the more I want to. I think he what keeps my head straight and feet firmly planted. I can tell there is nothing wrong with that.

Today I have a HUGE photo shoot. I am pretty stoked. I can't wait to see what turns out.

On the other hand I have a headache and got bitchy yesterday. Today WILL be a better day.

I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories
And I can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see
Who salutes, but no-one ever does

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, cos I'm in hell

I don't wear a mask and I have no regrets.
I am focused on what I am after -
The key to the next open chapter

A long, long day with a longer weekend ahead. A well, what can ya do?

I went and bought a car stereo today. It's the first music I have really heard in my POS in the last six months since my other got stolen. I love music.

Techno Terrorism is a real bitch

"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the

beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short...

Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the

beast for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and

sixty six."



I left alone my mind was blank

I needed time to think to get the memories from my mind



What did I see can I believe that what I saw

that night was real and not just fantasy



Just what I saw in my old dreams were they

reflections of my warped mind staring back at me



'Cos in my dream it's always there the evil face that twists my
mind and brings me to despair



The night was black was no use holding back

'Cos I just had to see was someone watching me

In the mist dark figures move and twist

Was this all for real or some kind of hell

666 the number of the beast

Hell and fire was spawned to be released



Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised

As they start to cry hands held to the sky

In the night the fires burning bright

The ritual has begun Satan's work is done

666 the number of the beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight



This can't go on I must inform the law

Can this still be real or just some crazy dream

But I feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes

They seem to mesmerise me ... can't avoid their eyes

666 the number of the beast

666 the one for you and me



I'm coming back I will return

And I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn

I have the fire I have the force

I have the power to make my evil take it's course

So the boy came home last night from spending two days with his mom. She arrived just before 6 like she said she would. BUT! He was COVERED in dirt and mud. His brand new one week old shoes were ruined and she was carrying his bike COVERED in nasty mud up to the apartment. I said 'Hell no! You lave that thing downstairs!'. I was p-i-s-s-e-d! Well we argued a little, and why not?! I had an appointment for my son and I in 30 mins that would take 20 to get there. So I had to shower him and dress him in a rush. There is nothing like spending the first 15 mins together after a couple days rushing like freaks and pissed at mommy. I kept my cool, but it still chaps me. Oh well.

On another note we had a great time last night and tonight we are going to Chuckie-Cheese for a Bday party. He is pretty excited.

At lunch today I went and had two more posters printed up to decorate the apartment with. They are nice shots, one is my all time favorite. It was also the first shot I ever had printed in a magazine. I can't wait to pick them up on Friday!

Today was a good day. I hope things continue to get better. Let's just hope my wife is on time tonight when dropping my son off. I suspect she will be late just to be a bitch and I have an appointment. Ugh!

Told you I had to leave, I had my reasons
I said that it hurt to stay, the way that I'm feelin'

It's not love
That left you standin'
It's not love
That left you cold
It's not love
Misunderstandin'
Only a mistake
There's nothing left to take

Why, baby, why did you make me let you go
And leave you so lonely
Why, baby, why did you have to hold on
You know it's not love anymore

Gave you your last chance but you didn't believe me
You can't keep me satisfied, the way that you treat me

It's not love
That left you standin'
It's not love
That left you cold
It's not love
Misunderstandin'
Only a mistake
There's nothing left to take

Why, baby, why did you make me let you go
And leave you so lonely
Why, baby, why, stop playing with my heart
I told you

It's not love
Telling you to be this way
It's not love
Sayin' you can never change
It's not love
When I told you
Is he putting you down
Down, down, down

Well it's 10pm. My son is staying with his mom at her 'friends' place tonight. It makes my stomach turn, but what can ya do? Fuck it.

I just got done cleaning this pig-sty once and for all. It should be much easier to keep up with from this point forward. For a stay at home mom her cleaning skills sucked. I have always liked a clean home. And once again I have one. I have also not eaten out since she left except to take the kiddo to McDonalds when he I got him up early and he was grouchy. I like to cook, I just hate dishes. Now I am going to concentrate on re-decorating our home. Make it less dumpy and more manly. I guess we will see if I can still handle that.

I saw the lawyer today, it's still on my mind. She is a real pit-bull. Mean and striaght up. I'm glad she is on my side. Expensive as fuck though. I may have to sell most of what I own to get this done, but with each passing day it will be worth it. She wants me to go after everything. I couldn't do it. Trying to hold her back is going to be like wrestling a bear. Oh well, I guess that is what they are supposed to be like.

Well I met with my legal counsel this morning. I cannot go into details here, (sorry snopes) but I hate our legal system sometimes.

It's early and I am up checking on things. Not as early as I normally get up, but early for me to be sitting in front of a screen.

Yesterday I got frustrated that my wife wants it all. For selfish reasons she is wanting to invade all I do and all I have become. She is obsessed with her new friends and racing. So be it. I am obsessed with ensure my son knows me his whole life. Yesterday we were fighting about my side work, it's a good money maker and I wanted to turn it into career. I made a choice and walked away. For the second time this year I just lost the one hobby I love. It's for my son. This time, I do not even care. She can have it. Fuck her. Self rightous, selfish, lying cunt.

My mom stopped by for a little while last night. I'm glad, it's nice to have her back as a friend. I expressed concern that she was mad or going to be mean to my wife. That is simply not my mom. She thinks this was a good choice and the best thing for all three of us to find happiness again. She is probably right.

Wow! The last 24 hours. Crazy stuff.

So I was on the phone for almost 3 hours last night talking to an old friend. She was the first girl I ever had a 'thing' for. We used to be pretty tight, then got in trouble and moved away. After 20 years she found me again six months ago. From the moment we got on the phone for the first sime since I was 16 it was just like yesterday. It felt good to be rememberd.

Next is the wife... ey-yi-yi... it's going to be a war. I can tell. I gave up ATV racing this morning. My love, part of my livlyhood and my art. It was becoming a battle with her and I am not seeking out a fight. So be it.

It was a great day with my son. Although I still have a slight stinging in my heart as the night draws close. I honestly think it's tougher knowing that my wife can become a cold, lifeless bitch. If she showed the least bit of sorrow or emotion I would feel better about myself. I know it's not true, but at times I feel like a failure.

I am a horrible single person, I like to share my feelings and talk to someone I care about. I am not looking, but it would be nice if someone stubmled into my life for female friendship if nothing else. It would possibly ease my anger and frustrations. Time will do the trick, I guess I have been lonely for a long time - even while married. So maybe I am just hoping to cure that soon enough. Although as picky as I am it could take a while. Not that being poicky has ever done me a damn bit of good!

Well it's Sun. I feel pretty good, a little disappointed with myself. I had a small breakdown late last night, but I guess that's going to happen. I am a very loving and emotional person.

I got my son up this morning and went and had out pictures taken. We had fun. The little stinker ate two donuts while there! After we went to McDonalds and had some lunch. Now we are just relaxing and enjoying our time together. A nice quiet day. Tomorrow we begin a whole new journey in life. I miss my wife, or I miss having a lady to hold and smile at. That is probably it, I'll survive. But truth be told - I am a horrible single person and it's only a matter of time before I struggle with weekend boredem and loneliness. Let's hope I can stay out of the bars. I am commited, but to what?

Well my wife showed up early. I could tell she was nervous, shy but somewhat happy to see me for the first time in a week. She was as beautiful as the last time I saw her a week earlier, but mysolve is strong. I was extra nice and laid back. We handled our business and she needed to leave. I wished her a good weekend and she did them same. I miss her, but I feel great. She was off to the races and will stay busy for a couple days. I'm sure she is happy too. At least I hope so.

My son and I have been having fun. We went food shopping. Played xBox, rode his bike and played with plastic army men. An easy night, and I feel complete. Three nights together and we begin our new routine. I am happy and almost complete.

It's getting closer to lunch and I am great! I feel good, I feel refreshed, I feel free, I feel like I have piece of mind.

I briefly spoke with the wife via email this morning. She was a little offish. Last night I wrote a nice long letter to her, it was my 'letter'. The one you write that suddenly releases you from the tender emotions and attachment. Oh I am sure I will still feel little stings from time-to-time. But that letter helped me move on. I did not mince words or hold back. I was not mean or cold, just brutally honest and open. I made it clear how I felt, where I stood and my concerns for her. I have no doubts it made her mad. But some day, maybe some day she will be able to look back and say 'wow, I was being used. I was warned and still pissed away my life'. Or maybe I am wrong.... naaaaa.

Good luck to her. Me and my son will be just fine! I have arranged for a couple diffrent photographer friend to shoot the two of us. Once this weekend and once next week. I plan on showing my son the wonderment of photos and what GREAT pictures can offer your heart. I look forward to it.

Today - I am a new man!

I sat at home by myself again. I cleanup a little, worked on some photos and worked out who I wanted to be. Or at least for now. I feel GREAT! I woke up in a great mood and got donuts for the office. I took a little while to catch up on some light reading and I sent a letter.

I took a few moments and called my grandmother last night. She understood and only wants us to be happy.

Today, I am. I owe a lot of this to a special lady in my life. I have not seen her in probably 7 years and I can still picture everything about her. Thanks girl. I am going to make it.

It's evening again. It's been a decent day. I feel good about things. I am pretty happy to finally have some room to walk without stepping on eggs shells. I know I have a long ways to go, but the good moments are worth it all. I am confident my wife feels the same way. We could be fantastic buddys to hang out, but she will probably maintain a chip on her shoulder for years. And even if she doesn't unless I work at the track or slide a quad up my ass she won't give me a heartbeat of attention. Oh well. Carpe Diem.

My son called earlier. I could not be happier. I was very concerned my wife would not have/let him call and act like she forgot or just plain did not care. But she did. I guess there is a heart in her after all.

I heard one of my favorite song while at the title office today. I have loved the song for years, but sometimes it feels more fitting than others. Not many songs can make me lose all concentration of my problems. But as depressing as the song is, it always seems to make me feel good. I am just a goof, I guess.

-------------------------------------------
Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You dont understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and theyve put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, outta control
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied
---------------------------------

All I can say is this is the 3rd time as an adult I am starting all over, lets hope it really is 'the charm'.

Son, a valuable lesson: there are two sides to EVERY story. Listen and demand both before taking sides. Do not assume. Or you become as bad as the problem.

Well first contact with wife for the day is completed. As expected she had a nice cold feel to her. She is unforgiving and heartless. I pray someday I find a wife who can accept love and return it. Life and love are funny. My first wife left and it was a good thing. I am leaving my 2nd wife and I hope it is a good thing.

Another day. It's not to bad this morning. I miss my son. I have two more days till I see him and I am longing for it.

My wife is miserible where she is staying. She choose her mothers home who can bitch with the best them. I feel for them, the divorce is hard enough. I have this yearning desire to help her. I know she is still bitching about me behind my back, thinks I am out to get her and pretty much thinks I am an asshole. Sure, I probably am an asshole but not to her or my son. She has just never been taught appreciation or happiness. The same reasons why I left her, so my son would not learn the same things.

All in all my son is my only concern. I could not see getting back together with my wife anytime soon. I did offer to date a couple times a week and she declined. I am not heartbroken but I do suspect the other couple involved told her to stear clear. There is a lot of denial that is going on from the enemy camp. I do not deny anything. Why bother? It's funny how stupid and naive they all think I am. I have been treated like an idiot for years, but then when someone needs something I am suddenly a smart guy. What they do not understand is that I am also a loving father, strong husband and loyal friend. It's ironic that the other couple probably does not feel that way. But then they cheat little kids, control my wife and something else I will not mention at this time. That is why I am not their freind... especially the guy. Dude if you ever read this - there are unwritten rules among guy friends. You broke rule #1 and I hate you. If I did not care for the family aspect of your life I would do all I could to run your name through the mud daily. It's not that I care about your wife either, she is a medler, but rather the fact you are raising a family that causes me to bite my tounge. You want to bash me, go grab a mirror first mother fucker.

Anyway, I am up over an hour early today. I might as well go to work. It's going to be a long one. I am doing OK at the moment, no real emotions to pass on. Depresssion is not an issue - yet.

It's 11pm. I am missing my son pretty bad. I'll be OK. I was testing myself to see where my mind was at. I realized I could sit alone all night and be fine. I never turned on TV, only the radio. I sat and went through photos picking out the ones I wanted. I found some wonderful shots from years ago. I love pictures. They speak a worldwide lanquage.

So things with my wife are like a cactus. Some are very beautiful and yet still to dangerous to get near. She thinks I am up to something, I think she is scheming. Sounds like a typical divorce.

I can't wait for Fri to see my son.

Music is depressing and waaaay too realistic!!!

I’ll be coming home
Just to be alone
Cause I know you’re not there
And I know that you don’t care
I can hardly wait to leave this place
No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
By the time you come home
I’m already stoned
You turn off the TV
And you scream at me
I can hardly wait
Till you get off my case
No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone

New word for the day: FEAR

Fear is a funny word. It can mean fear of losing somthing, like a child. It can mean you did something wrong and are worried about getting caught. Or it can mean you sent an ethical and legal message to create fear and let someone know, 'hey! butt the fuck out!'. When someone does that, is one message enough? Or do two or three get the point across clear enough to not be mistaken? I only wish I knew.

The funniest thing about fear is how people react. Some get scared, some quiet, others get aggressive. Again, who is weak and who is strong? I guess that question is the person feeling the fear. Right?

Todays words: ANGER, HATE, RESENTMENT

I am fighting the anger that comes from knowing things are coming to an end. It's funny how the emotions come in waves. I can go from sad, to lonely, to rage, to not caring. All in about 20 mins.

Today I am resenting a 3rd wheel involved in our divorce, actually a couple, I resent their nosey medelling ways. They have sided with my wife, and I knew they would. I do not even need to see them or hear them to know what they advise her and tell her about me. And that is OK, they are cheats and liars in their own way. 'Good People' are not always innocent sheep.

On a good note I had my new VOIP phone installed. Too bad I have no one to call! drat....

Another night has come and gone. This morning was very emotional for me. It has been a constant struggle not to blubber like a little girl. But as the day goes on I feel better.

The wife and I are making great progess. Although I sense some scheming going on. Her new best freind is very smart and I am confident she is guiding her. I blame that couple for a lot of our problems. My wife and I were on a great rebuilding level and our marriage was getting better. As we got closer to the other couple we started tearing things down. It's sad really, I saw it coming and let my freindship and feelings get in the way of my brain. I'll need to watch that in the future.

I love my wife, but even through all this I think she is so enticed byt the other couple and racing that I worry she will never realize that there is a world out there that her son wants to see. She will piss away these years and our son will move on.

So I am working very hard to be freinds with my soon to be ex. And I really wish I could post all the details of why we are splitting for the work to see. But I won't I still love her too much. But she just abused my trust already and did not even realize it. It's those kinds of things that will keep up fighting. I am OK, but I said my part and moved on. Divorce fucking sucks even when it's easy.

Well it's mid afternoon. I am OK at the moment. It's going to be a long two days till I see my son again. I can hang this time. I have went this long many times before, I guess it's just the timing that sucks. Either way, I am not concerned about that at the moment, he is safe and I know where he is. That is more than a lot of single parents can say.

My sister in law and I had a great conversation. I will miss her. She is a nut, but good people. I think she can relate to where I am at, but has yet to act on her anger. Only time will tell with that issue.

I guess I will go to mymoms for a while and hang out. I am a little bored at home, I have yet to find and create new hobbies. I wish I knew more models to shoot locally. I have the time now and want to practice.

How fast things happen in life.

Last night I never heard from the wife all evening. Sad really. I am not sure what the issue is, we both seem to agree this is for the best. I got up around 11:30 after laying with my son to get him to sleep. I checked my email and I was amazed to see one from my wife. I nearly cried just reading her name. That confused me even more since I was feeling pretty good 15 mins before. Anyway, we rotated emails back and forth for about 30 mins. We appeared to reach a pretty good stopping point in regards to our son. It was mentioned that the friends where she has been were having vehicle issues. But a mechanic would be there around noon to fix it. I laid in bed for hours worrying that she would get stuck there and not get to see our son another day. So I got up at 6am, loaded as much of her stuff as I could and called and woke someone else to follow me the hour and 15 min drive to where she was to drop off her car and clothes. I did this out of love and care for her and my son. Around 11:30 I got a call and it was my sister inlaw. She was asking if I was still bringing the car and my son over?!? I said 'no, I dropped the car to her this morning' and said to call and make sure she saw it and the $50 I left on the seat to help her this week. I left where I was to rush home and check my emails to see if maybe I missed something. Sure enough that was a negative. Amazingly my wife called. It was nice to hear her voice, and at the same time a shrill reminder of why we are doing this. She could not stop what she was doing to speak to me about our son or the plans at hand. I should have just ignored her and kept our son till court, but I am so agaisnt him not knowing his mother. This is going to hurt, I can already tell. I just hope he wants to come in a couple days. That will be the toughest part. I made her a new offer to watch him at her mothers during the week, I will get him at night and probably most weekends. It's not the best plan for me, but it takes care of all the ethical duties I am feeling and keeps my son close to his mother. That is my #1 goal besides him spending time with me.

Divorce sucks and there is no end in site.

Well it's after 9pm, still no call from the wife. I assume she went to the water park with freinds as planned. Amazing really. She is claiming I am trying to keep our son from here yet I am practically begging her to call me to work out some arrangments. It's sad. I am also under the assumption that she will want to see him tomorrow, but unless she calls what am I supposed to do? Some how I will end up the bad guy through this to most people. However the times could not be better for me and my son. We are enjoy each other and spending more time together. We just returned from $1.60 ice cream cone trip. You would have thought I bought him his first car.

Earlier From around 4pm till nearly 8pm I was completlly over my wife already. Now that it's late I can feel the lonely depression kicking in. She is probably not feeling it because they are keeping her mind busy. The sad part about that is the longer she puts off dealing with this, the harder I will be to deal with. I made her an offer to end this today, it was a good offer. More than she will get in any divorce court. She read, I am sure of it. Yet still not rebutle, response, email or call. She is a cold stubburn person. It makes me sad, I did not marry this woman, I did not create this woman. I am not sure where she came from, but I can't help her any more.

Monday, the normal long day of the week for me. And this one proved to be just as long, probably longer. My wife still has not called and with the exception of a couple of small emails she has not bothered to contact me at all. I think she has wanted a divorce for years but is too weak to admit it. The signs were there for me to see, I just refused to see them.

I spoke to a very close old friend all day today. She provided some special insight into things. I respect my friend. Care about her, love her. Probably one of the few non family females I have ever loved for so long. Her thoughts and insight was encouraging and thought provoking. In the end she has confidence she tells me all will be fine, I have to trust in that. Without trust, what else is there?

Tomorrow may be long. It's July 4th. For the last eight years I have spent this day at my in-laws for a cookout. This year was supposed to be no diffrent. It's not going to happen this year. I like her parents, I like her family. Divorce is a strange animal. You lose more freinds and family in one swoop than in your whole life. Is it worth it? Keep checking back, maybe in another two years I will be out of my rut and into a whole new life. Or maybe not, maybe my destiny is to just live in hell. I probably deserve it for all the bad I have done. Guess I will never really know. So I'll just keep on going.

I made my wife a divorce offer. I think it was a really good one. Everything she wanted and more. All I asked was for custody of our son. She will never do it, she is too hateful to admit it would be best for him. This will end up an all out war. I guess I am just cleaning my canons to come out blazing right from the start.

My son and I had a great evening. We played, ate and watched TV together. He is my world, my light and my reason to stay clean and straight. I do not have a problem with drugs or alchohol, but he keeps me from ever considering it.

We went to be earlier than usual, he always needed to anyway. We got up early and I took him to the sitter. He was fine.

I however am struggling. The heart is a crazy, crazy thing. You fight to overcome heartache and it simply gets worse. I do not understand it.

I guess I did it. After looking at my own words and giving talking one more try I left. I left my wife. I took my son too. I have no clue how this will all work out. I have changed the locks, taken all the money from the account and put 'The Club' into our cars till we work out details. I will give her what is fair, but there will be no midnight or mid-day robbings taking place.

I guess my breaking point was after I handed her her morning cup of coffee, said 'good morning, did you sleep well?' and her response was a harsh 'no!'. I asked he why and figured it was because I tried to discuss out situation the night before. But regardless what followed was nothing short of 'cunt'. I gave up hope. Packed the car and started to leave, then realized I was walking away from my son too. So I went back and asked if I could come get him in a couple days, she did not responed. My first reaction and response was to let her know I would bring a sherrif with me to get him if she refused. She then said 'fine, just take him and leave before they ('the friends') wake up. Some mom. Oh well, I have him for now. I'll see where life takes me.

And so the Diary of a Madman actually begins today....

Where is my life? I'm not even sure what to say about it. Here we are two years (almost exactly) after my original post and I am in the same position I was then. It's fucking crazy. I am simply killing myself. Why can't my wife give me love? Has it been too long, too easy? Am I too weak and scared? Maybe all of those issues? Jesus! I am a loser and cannot be a man these days. I love my son, so am I teaching him the right things by staying with her? Or am I hurting his future even more?

I'm not sure at what point things took such an ugly turn, it's sad. It seems like around every corner is a new heart break. Looking at things I know I would be alright, and she is a woman, she would be fine too. But my son, the little four year old boy who I live and breath for what will become of him? Do I suck it up and start having an affair getting my emotional needs from another woman only returning home to raise my son? Or do I divorce and start life over again trying to get custody? It will never happen. She would never let it. So a war would soon follow. That would help no one.

We have some close friends. At least close to her now. They only worry about her. It's amazing, I wish people could see the whole world. When she is around them or speaking to them she is the 'old wife' I used to love. Down to her smile, grins and laugh. To ruin that, just add me. She can go 800 mph in a great mood and end it faster than a brick hitting pavement. It's amazing.

When I get up every morning I make her coffee. I have for a while. I make sure the moment her feet hit the floor she has coffee. It's my way of saying 'I love you' each morning. I am not even sure she notices any more. And I actually do not think she cares either way. I don't even know why I do it any more?

I don't want to confuse things, but let's be honest, I can be a reall fucking asshole at times. But not your typical one. Mine is non-selective, I can even be an asshole to myself. But short of two 'agressive grabs' in the last eight years I never lay a hand on my wife. Never belittle her in public, never ruin her things, deny her any item or keep truthes from her. Even when considering divorce I notified her so she could choose to prepare if she wanted. Foolish, probably. But she is preparing. It's hard for me to imagine that, instead of simply trying to work with me she sits her mind into stone and just prepares for the worst. I am not sure who is going to help her, but you can bet I will loose freinds and family if this happens. And deep down, I don't care. My only concern is my boy. I miss him now, and he is sleeping in the other room. Am I misguided? Am I some kind of nut case? Probably. But life is what I make it. So what have I made?