34. Thirty four. I'm 34. Sad, lonely, bitter and pissed off. I decided today that I no longer loved my wife enough to live unhappy. She is selfish, unmotivated, self-absorbed and treats me poorly. I demanded. Pleaded. Begged. Bribed. Prayed for. And just open tried to discuss our problems. She is blind to the world. She was spoiled as a child, spoiled as a student, spoiled as an adult and now spoiled as a wife. It's sad. Sometimes the spils of life are not from money or goods. Sometimes it's love, happiness and freedom. Sadness comes from having no balance.

I love my son so much. I miss him when I'm gone for a few hours. I have begun hating my wife years ago at the fear of losing my son to her choices in life. It makes me sick to consider not seeing him each day. No other man could ever be his father. But other men can try to raise him. I get twice as mad about that. I can now see how people fight and throw money at our justice system to make an ex's life intolerable. It's all they have. It's the only way to show mow mad at life they are. No love, no mercy and no forgivness. Only heart justice. What a fucked up way to live.

If I could give me son one item or word of advice it would be 'never listen to me about woman'. I have had zero success and even worse experiences. His mother is a beatuiful woman. But she is a cold, selfish and stubburn bitch too. I have never asked for much. But she is too stupid to realize that simple words and thoughts are worth more than life itself. And right now my life is more important than she. I cannot teach my son how to be happy if I am not. I would be living a lie. A fairy tale lie. His mother doesn't care. She would rather ignore the issues and deal with the consiquences than talk about things and be happy. That's how fucked up her head is.

If this seperation becomes permenate I'm not sure what I will do. Except to dicate or force upon my wife to live an unhappy life and collect as much time from my son. She is stealing him from me. She is proving that it's easier to treat me bad and get her way than work with me and share her love. When our son was born she made a decision that she only had enough love for one person. And although I am glad she loves our son. I wish she could have found a little for me too.


.

We lost a good friend last night. Not in death as we know it. But in an amnesia death. It's worse than physical death. You see the person, you can talk to the person. They do not know you, they do not care about you and they may not even like you back. All your memories of that person is what remains.

We are spending the weekend at the hospital again. We are all hoping to spark a memory within his mind that will help him find his way back.

Is it all temporary? Who knows.


.

The events of the past week have me reviewing my freinds. I am not vocal about it. But I am really looking at how they all respond to another friend in need. I am also looking at so called friends who never call, email, write or stop by. Or if I always have to initiate contact. I have already dropped one or two of these people over the past year. It's hurt me. A couple of the people I really care about and really miss. Two of my best freinds have been a very fun, important and personal part of me and my wifes lives. I know that we live a ways apart, but that was never a problem in the past. But apparently they have not realized yet how much the wife and I cared about them. Oh well I guess.

I have also had a run in with another asshole. OK, maybe he's not. But right now I am struggling with personal issues and do not have to time to get wrapped up in a fiasco. I am hoping the situation just disolves. But like anything else I just go with things and see what happens. I'll pass the info onto my counsel and forget about it.

This summer sure has been long so far. And our district racing season hasn't even started. Let's hope the GNC MX and GNCC seasons are event free from this point forward.

.

It's been ten days since our friend had his wreck. Still I have nothing great to write. This is not the summer we had planned. And this is not where I wanted to be at 34.

I had a dream last night and once again had an ephifany of how unhappy I am at times and how short life really is. No more 'woe is me' bullshit. Life is simply too short to spend even a moment wondering what will happen next.

I worry about the relationship I have with my wife. Once we were best freinds. Lounging and relaxing together. Now we can hardly sit in a room and talk anymore. I don't really care who's fault it is. It doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. I feel as though I have offered my soul and she has rejected it. So we'll see where life takes us during this depressive and sick summer.

I am getting a lot of grey hair. For a short time I tried to color it. But it's like painting a wet side walk. No matter how many coats you apply it just rinses back off.

I have also determined that I am in a emotional rut. I need something to jump start my heart. I am getting cold and sullit as I age. I can see it in my writing and in my feelings towards people. It's a wierd feeling.

I also know that as long as my wife and I are together we will only have one child. In some ways I am OK with that. But the bottom of my heart says we are making a huge mistake. Either way I have about one year to decide. After that I am not comfortable with becoming a new father. I waited too long. If I would have known how happy being a father makes me I would have started years ago. I know now that I could have had a great time AND been a good father. This is something my wife STILL fails to realize. She will be sad as her days go on. Life is just too short for that kind of attitude.


.

It's been nine days now that our friend has been in ICU. He is going to make it and all signs point to a strong recovery. It's going to take months and years for this to all pass by. I am learning some important things about myself. And other people too.

It's weird how some people see freindship. I guess I have come to value friends more as I get older. There are very few people that I trust enough to call me friend. And now I can see that trust is not the entire point. It's also taking five minutes out of your life to make sure you have done everything you can for someone.

The wife and I cannot afford this type of situation right now. But you know what? We ARE affording it. We have to. Will it put up further beind? Not really, but it won't help us get caught up either. And we don't care this time. We are simply doing the best we can. And we are doing what is right for our freinds.

One thing I have discoverd is how much I love my wife. My heart is on fire with a stong desire to hold her and stare at her. I wish our relationship was what it used to be. It's tough loving someone this much when you barely recognize them anymore.

Another thing I discovered is how stupid, evil and self serving some people can be. And that includes someones mother. Our freinds parents were there at the hospital. The dad was a nice guy who I feel has his sons best intrest in mind. The mother is an evil maniulating wench that does not deserve a child as nice as our freind. I can now see why he avoids her calls and claims to not be able to stand her for long. She and I had a 2 hour argument in the hallway over all her woes in life. And in the end all I could say was 'so what?'.

.

I haven't wrote in a few days. But I have a lifetime of words to write.

Five days ago a very close freind of ours was in a bad wreck while racing his quad. It's a fluke. But it nearly cost him his life. He is now just fighting for quality of life. It's tough to deal with. I have seen gun shot wounds, people beat to a pulp in a fight and other things that are not as stressful as this. It sucks.

Through this trajedy I still find it amazing that people want to argue about ATV safety. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. The truth is our friend was racing. He knew the risks. He knew the dangers. Something happened. It's not the machines fault. And it's not typical of the sport.

I should mention that my wife is a saint. She has been at the hospital since it happened. Our freinds wife is all alone in the area. But we are making sure she is never alone right now.

I'm tired. I'll try and put more in writing later.


.