Well it's another Tuesday. The boy was cute last night. He loves playing with the bugs and acting like a kid. I missed him the last couple of days. He had spent some time away due to us only having one car and schedualing issues. It's not a bad thing, just circumstances. I missed my wife too, but hell I've been missing her for years.
I also missed my sisters Bday again. That girl has never been anything but nice to me and I can never seem to do her right. I'm not sure why. I guess its just a wierd brother/sister bond that we never found. We have lots of people to thank for that. In fact whole congregations of people. But that's another issue.
We are camping this weekend. For some stupid reason I agreed to work Sat night. It's not long, but will still eat up five or six hours. I should have said 'no' and spent every moment with my son and wife. But we need the money for vacation and bills. Our big trip is less than two weeks away and we have about $11 saved up. It's a good thing we get paid the night before we leave and all our tickets and hotel are paid. Nothing like Vegas with a $20 a budget for a family of three to eat on. Whoopy!
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Monday, May 24, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I had a really bad day yesterday. Today looks to be better. We had a really good time at our friends farm last night. Another friend showed up and we all rode around and had a good time.
It's funny how I feel so comfortable around people I met only in the last year. But they are real people. They have no other motive except needing friendship just like I do. That's a nice change.
The boy had a good time last night. I hope we are always this close and share the same hobbies.
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It's funny how I feel so comfortable around people I met only in the last year. But they are real people. They have no other motive except needing friendship just like I do. That's a nice change.
The boy had a good time last night. I hope we are always this close and share the same hobbies.
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004
You know what I really fucking hate today? People who like to act like they know what's best for a child, but are not even a parent. I love my son. I would never knowingly put him in harms way. Yet I catch shit from every mother fucker out there with a mouth.
What is the matter with people today? Hell, I'm not even sure why I get so defensive about it, but I do. I can't help it. At what fucking age do I become an adult who can manage his own life? Fucking 90?!?!? Give me a break. Do I need help with money sometimes? Yes, from time to time. Is that wrong? No! Do I live off the state? Fuck no! Do I spend time with my son? Fuck yes! Do I steal? Drink to much? Do drugs? Beat my wife? Cheat on my wife? Treat others bad? NO!!! So why the fuck are other people so much better than me?
My wife and her entire family make me feel stupid. My mother and step dad make me feel irresponsible. My boss makes me feel worthless. So what kind of attitude is that supposed to give me?
Sometimes I feel like moving away and starting over again. Or quitting my job, divorcing my wife, sharing custody of my son and living wasted. Then at least all their observations and self-revolving ideas would be true.
It's my son that keeps me sane. He thinks I'm Superman. And I love that feeling. I live for him. I stay sober and drug free for him. I stay with his mother for him. I keep from commiting murder, fighting and becoming all that I used to be for him. He is my saviour and my light. I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. Will he always appreciate it? Probably not, but I'll do the best that I can for him. And when it's time for him to go, I'll let him. As long as he never becomes what I was and could have been without him, we will all be happy and safe.
People look at me and think I'm a clown. A cut-up and joker. What they never got to see is how mean and hateful I am inside. I am dark and oozing with a need to hurt people. I thought I beat that part of me years ago. And then I realized it never went away. I simply learned to control it. I can't go into details. But hurting people never botherd me. It was the fear of not being able to stop that had me worried and made me control it. I never want my son to experience that kind of torture. So I have become a better person. People who have crossed me in recent years should be thankful for him. His is probably the only reason they are still eating solid foods, or not playing cards with TuPac.
Yet people in my life never got to see the old me. Or have forgotten what I used to be. And worse I think that some still see those things and think I am the same way. No matter how you look at it. I cannot win and they are still all losers.
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What is the matter with people today? Hell, I'm not even sure why I get so defensive about it, but I do. I can't help it. At what fucking age do I become an adult who can manage his own life? Fucking 90?!?!? Give me a break. Do I need help with money sometimes? Yes, from time to time. Is that wrong? No! Do I live off the state? Fuck no! Do I spend time with my son? Fuck yes! Do I steal? Drink to much? Do drugs? Beat my wife? Cheat on my wife? Treat others bad? NO!!! So why the fuck are other people so much better than me?
My wife and her entire family make me feel stupid. My mother and step dad make me feel irresponsible. My boss makes me feel worthless. So what kind of attitude is that supposed to give me?
Sometimes I feel like moving away and starting over again. Or quitting my job, divorcing my wife, sharing custody of my son and living wasted. Then at least all their observations and self-revolving ideas would be true.
It's my son that keeps me sane. He thinks I'm Superman. And I love that feeling. I live for him. I stay sober and drug free for him. I stay with his mother for him. I keep from commiting murder, fighting and becoming all that I used to be for him. He is my saviour and my light. I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. Will he always appreciate it? Probably not, but I'll do the best that I can for him. And when it's time for him to go, I'll let him. As long as he never becomes what I was and could have been without him, we will all be happy and safe.
People look at me and think I'm a clown. A cut-up and joker. What they never got to see is how mean and hateful I am inside. I am dark and oozing with a need to hurt people. I thought I beat that part of me years ago. And then I realized it never went away. I simply learned to control it. I can't go into details. But hurting people never botherd me. It was the fear of not being able to stop that had me worried and made me control it. I never want my son to experience that kind of torture. So I have become a better person. People who have crossed me in recent years should be thankful for him. His is probably the only reason they are still eating solid foods, or not playing cards with TuPac.
Yet people in my life never got to see the old me. Or have forgotten what I used to be. And worse I think that some still see those things and think I am the same way. No matter how you look at it. I cannot win and they are still all losers.
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Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Here I am again. Looking back at a few days of my life wondering if I could be happier. I have spent so much time with my son the past few days and I love it. I have also spent many hours with my wife doing things that I enjoy. I think we all enjoy or new found hobbies.
We have a lot to look forward to in the next month. And hopfully a lot more after that. Money is always an issue. But I think I could work 20 jobs and money would be an issue. So I have decided to make it through this summer working my day job and keeping my other work to a minumum. I want to go camping, fishing, riding and traveling with my family. We have a few things we need to be ready for this goal. But the wife and I are already working on it.
Our house problems will soon be gone. The lead problem will never be solved. Our credit will be fried, but my mind will be clear about one thing: I didn't lie to sell it. I have been very vocal that it has lead contaminated soil. My credit will be ruined forever. But I will not feel responsible for other children getting sick. I did all I could to make it known and solve it. But I do not have the means to do so. Therefore all I can do is let it get foreclosed and move on with my life.
It's a hard choice to 'allow' a home to be foreclosed on. Especially one you can afford. The state has zero assistance programs for soil contamination. 'What about the EPA? you ask. Their rule is this: 10 home owners must allow testing to be considered for a 'Superfund Program'. Ten home owners. Think about that. Do you think ten of your neighbors would want to find out if they had lead contaminated soil? Think so? NOPE! No one wants to admit a problem that could drop their home value by 50% over night. Only the people with sick children. And in my case, we were the only ones.
So in return here is what I give them: one home that has sat empty for nearly a year. Grass higher than fuck. Dark and grey look with no power or water. A stack of three garbage bags that I let the animals rummage through (that was a special gift for the neighbor who felt it was OK to leave standing water in mosquito season). Tree limbs lying all over. And papers and flyers laying all over the porch and door. First house on the street seen! What a great site! That was just to say 'Thank You!' to all the nice neighbors for allowing the EPA to do fucking free testing on your soil so that our toddler son could have a chance at state assisted speach therapy. So that possibly the EPA would fix the problem so we wouldn't have to lose our home that we worked so hard to get.
It's funny how close 'thank you' and 'fuck you' are. Hmph, they almost sound the same...
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We have a lot to look forward to in the next month. And hopfully a lot more after that. Money is always an issue. But I think I could work 20 jobs and money would be an issue. So I have decided to make it through this summer working my day job and keeping my other work to a minumum. I want to go camping, fishing, riding and traveling with my family. We have a few things we need to be ready for this goal. But the wife and I are already working on it.
Our house problems will soon be gone. The lead problem will never be solved. Our credit will be fried, but my mind will be clear about one thing: I didn't lie to sell it. I have been very vocal that it has lead contaminated soil. My credit will be ruined forever. But I will not feel responsible for other children getting sick. I did all I could to make it known and solve it. But I do not have the means to do so. Therefore all I can do is let it get foreclosed and move on with my life.
It's a hard choice to 'allow' a home to be foreclosed on. Especially one you can afford. The state has zero assistance programs for soil contamination. 'What about the EPA? you ask. Their rule is this: 10 home owners must allow testing to be considered for a 'Superfund Program'. Ten home owners. Think about that. Do you think ten of your neighbors would want to find out if they had lead contaminated soil? Think so? NOPE! No one wants to admit a problem that could drop their home value by 50% over night. Only the people with sick children. And in my case, we were the only ones.
So in return here is what I give them: one home that has sat empty for nearly a year. Grass higher than fuck. Dark and grey look with no power or water. A stack of three garbage bags that I let the animals rummage through (that was a special gift for the neighbor who felt it was OK to leave standing water in mosquito season). Tree limbs lying all over. And papers and flyers laying all over the porch and door. First house on the street seen! What a great site! That was just to say 'Thank You!' to all the nice neighbors for allowing the EPA to do fucking free testing on your soil so that our toddler son could have a chance at state assisted speach therapy. So that possibly the EPA would fix the problem so we wouldn't have to lose our home that we worked so hard to get.
It's funny how close 'thank you' and 'fuck you' are. Hmph, they almost sound the same...
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Thursday, May 06, 2004
I sit in a 90 degree office putting up with micro mangers who are rude, obtrusive, self-rightous and just generally assholes. I make the same money as I did five years ago. The bosses would have you believe it's my fault. And it might be. But what they fail to realize is that when an employee gets so frustrated and down in their job that they no longer care about anything but leaving at five they have lost a valuable asset.
A raise? No thanks! That would require me to offer a better attitude and more obidience. What is money anyways? Just a means to debt, thats all. Maybe if the bosses and owners would learn that there is more to life than what money can buy they would quickly learn how important employee happiness is really worth.
Family as employees? That should have been banned just like swearing on the radio. It should happen in rare cases and be justified. In fact to say that a 'family member' is an 'employee' is the biggest crock of shit ever known! They are nothing but spoiled tattle tales who use their own selfish designs to make other peoples lives suck. And for what? Nothing really. Greed, nepotism, advancment, time off and who know what else. The are the first to be believed and the last to be blamed. I could give you monthly examples of that.
I love this country. I love my family. I love my state of mind. What I hate are companies like mine who take advantage of all those things. I am a loyal employee even during bad times. But what they have discovered and despise is that I am loyal to my family and some freinds. COMPANY FIRST!!! That is what they would like to force on you. I qoute "people should be thanking us they get a check each week...". What the fuck is that?!?!!? Shouldn't they be thanking the employees right back for putting up with their self-rightous shit and showing up in the first place. I have seen houndreds (yes houndreds) of people come on go over the years. Why is that? Where they all just stupid folk? Or where they the smart ones?....
.
A raise? No thanks! That would require me to offer a better attitude and more obidience. What is money anyways? Just a means to debt, thats all. Maybe if the bosses and owners would learn that there is more to life than what money can buy they would quickly learn how important employee happiness is really worth.
Family as employees? That should have been banned just like swearing on the radio. It should happen in rare cases and be justified. In fact to say that a 'family member' is an 'employee' is the biggest crock of shit ever known! They are nothing but spoiled tattle tales who use their own selfish designs to make other peoples lives suck. And for what? Nothing really. Greed, nepotism, advancment, time off and who know what else. The are the first to be believed and the last to be blamed. I could give you monthly examples of that.
I love this country. I love my family. I love my state of mind. What I hate are companies like mine who take advantage of all those things. I am a loyal employee even during bad times. But what they have discovered and despise is that I am loyal to my family and some freinds. COMPANY FIRST!!! That is what they would like to force on you. I qoute "people should be thanking us they get a check each week...". What the fuck is that?!?!!? Shouldn't they be thanking the employees right back for putting up with their self-rightous shit and showing up in the first place. I have seen houndreds (yes houndreds) of people come on go over the years. Why is that? Where they all just stupid folk? Or where they the smart ones?....
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